Every once in a while I’ll actually come across something that causes me to think “Wow!  This would make a great xanga post!”… but then that’s as far as it goes, and I’m off busy chasing another boondoggle and forget within minutes.  I’d like to suggest to you that I burn calories in more productive ways than updating xanga, but I really do not.

This post isn’t about important events in my life- like my epic hives outbreak of 2007, the war against my dryer vent, the return of American Gladiators, the coming Presidential election, or any of the other numerous topics I have forgotten completely about.  Nope.  Don’t even expect another post to follow this for a year or two.   I’m only dusting things off for one reason, and one reason alone:

The 2^nd ANNUAL CRAYON DRAWING CONTEST

Entry 1:

          Robotic Cheerleader

Now, I went to public schools just like most everyone.  We had tax money coming in for a few computers, and we even got a new school bus once.  With vinyl seats and everything.  But one dadgum thing I can assure you that we NEVER got funded was a robotic cheerleader!  I have no idea where this little kid goes to school, but his idea for a squad of cheering robots is kind of aiming a bit high… 

It seems most of the engineering effort in this robot went into the teeth.  But then the careless drunkards building the robot slopped some yellow face paint on them.  And just forget about those eyes being worth much.  They are coated in yellow carelessness.  Believe me, small robotic cheerleader designer, sloppy build contractors will eat your lunch everytime. 

I’m a little concerned about the structural soundness of legs and arms.  Not only pencil thin, but there are no joints to speak of.  I dunno about you, but I’d expect my robotic cheerleaders to do more than just vibrate pompons and walk like zombies.  Let’s have some action here!   Also, the ear design appears to have been directly ripped-off from Charles Schultz.   (No one gets ahead by cheating.)

Those sloppy robot painters do get some bonus points for sneaking in their hometown bias- If you stare at the sweater you’ll eventually see:  Go EXPOS

Memo to self:  Never hire robot painters from Montreal.

Final Score:  B-  

This world needs more dreamers.

Entry 2:

                Nightime Love Scene

I’m worried.  While this appears to be a rather sentimental and innocent picture of flirtatious love, there are some dark and disturbing undertones.

At first glance, you see the artist who using the environment she knows best: a playground.  It’s nighttime, because the sky is filled with stars and a deep blue color.  Two young people, a boy and a girl are enjoying a warm summer’s evening playing on the slide.  From here is where this picture takes the fast train to crack-town:

1.  Girl: “I’M OK.”  Boy:  “ARE YOU OK?”   First of all, reading this dialogue in the standard left-to-right orientation- Who answers a question before it is asked?   Creepy.  This screams meth addiction.

2.  If you look closely, you’ll see the girl’s (giant) heart has been detached from her body and is floating upward.  She’s obviously not ‘OK’. 

Directly influenced by drug culture.

3.  Why is the sun out, yet everything blanketed by darkness?  Why are there even more decapitated hearts floating around in the sky?  Drugs.

4.  Why do these beautiful young children have three foot antennas sprouting from their heads?  Are they mutants?   Nope.  It’s the drugs.

Final Score:  D-    

Too scary.

Entry 3:

                                Three Amigos

I really like this picture.  This kid does a great job at bringing out the best of childhood.  There is even a bold life-statement at the bottom: “It      is fun to have friends.”   Perfect.  I especially like that three of these buds have ‘crosses to bear’ with individual physical handicaps, but they don’t let that get in the way of their steadfast friendship.

Kid #1 has a stump for a left arm, and it doesn’t look like the right one is doing too much for him either.  Does it matter?  No.

Kid #2 is a dwarf with red hair and monkey arms.  Talk about a deck stacked against you!   But he’s totally confident his boys are gonna carry him through no matter what.  (As long as Lefty’s stump doesn’t get too sweaty and bust the grip.)

Kid #3 has no arms. or pants.  Luckily, he has fingers stuck directly on his shoulders (still can’t put on pants without arms), and a smile that can’t be beat.  After all, who else do you know can tickle his own armpits?  hmmm?

Final Score:  A+    

Technically good, and emotionally better.

Entry 4:

                         Paolo

I’m sure that when guys like Warhol, Dali, & Pollack were young, their stuff looked just like this.  Pop art is always best left as interpretive.  The only problem with this picture is:  what the heck is this a picture of?

I’m pretty sure I can make out a single-wide mobile home down there.  On fire.  And I can see what looks like a cowgirl (or Viggo Mortensen) floating while wearing a space helmet, or maybe jumping rope.  Shoot, I can’t tell.  And then this mysterious word is just hanging out, like it belongs there: PAOLO    

Is that the name of the floating person?  Is this Brazil?   A sound?

Final Score: C-  

Very Weird.

Entry 5:

                        Grey is his favorite color.

Now this is what I’m talking about.  A big scary monster with pointy teeth.  YES.  This kid obviously is not afraid to confront that which terrifies him.  You’ve got to respect the boldness.  You can see the fine detail in the monster:  Steely blue eyes, razor sharp horn-hands, kangaroo feet.  I obviously can understand the scariness of this monster.  I can SEE the scariness of this monster!

What I cannot understand is why the person about to be mercilessly consumed by this monster is smiling about it? 

…I think somebody needs some therapy time.

Final Score:  B+ 

Points taken away for morbidity.

Entry 6:

             CJ, Charles, & Ray J

We’ve seen this ‘three friends’ theme before. It’s because good things come in threes.  Three pack of scotch tape, three musketeers, three pairs of socks.   Alas, where the first artistic example of this phenomenon in this contest was refreshing, this one is, err.. the opposite of refreshing.  (Whatever the word is.)

We see here three more ‘friends’.  However, this scene depicts an entirely different phase of ‘friendship’,  If you can force your eyes away from the deep boiling pool of blood in the ominous foreground, you’d see ‘friends’ CJ and Ray J (or maybe its ‘Bry L’) busy brandishing longswords and plunging them deep into poor hapless Charles.  You can see the artist took great pains to describe graphically Charles’ last thoughts on earth by drawing a thought balloon above Charles’ head.  You can see the agony in his face.  You might guess that Charles is thinking something poetic like “Et tu, Brute?”, but according to his thought balloon he’s not thinking anything.  Just a black scribble.  I’ll give the artist an ounce of credit here; Perhaps he is trying to convey that Charles is already long dead of a broken heart even before his supposed ‘friends’ finished him off above the boiling vat of blood.

I’ll admit.  This gruesome picture is not an easy one to look at.  But the artist does a magnificent job and bringing out emotion- which is the true intent of art, is it not?

Final Score:  B- 

“Where the accountability of brothers is absent, only vapors of civilization remain…”

Entry 7:

            “A nickel for your thoughts…”

Here we see a bold glimpse into the future.  Humans are still around, but somewhere we’ve adapted cosmetic trends to include shaving our bodies completely of hair, wearing Stetson hats, and tinting our skin green.  Future fashion is a bizarre entity, for sure.   

I’m as surprised as you are to see this is a happy picture.  A smile even!  The future is a happy place!  Yay!   Even more surprising is that coinage still exists in the future.  I guess the whole hyperinflation thing is just a false panic.  According to this picture, it appears that dramatic DEFLATION is in order.  Who’d of thought that the benign nickel would still hold meaningful value in future years.  Wow.

You should take an interest at looking more closely at the ‘updated’ pink nickel that this green gentleman is handing out.  Is a founding father’s portrait still etched in the face?  Well, I challenge you to look a little closer…  Wait!  That’s not a nickel!  It’s a bootlegged DVD!  You’ve had this picture all wrong!  What you thought was a picture of a generous young gentleman handing out a fancy futuristic nickel turns out to be a snapshot portrait of a street beggar in a futuristic black-market!   This is an impoverished, broken man selling his illegal wares.   A nickel for an illegal DVD?  How decayed has our economy become that we resort to street peddling to make our living?

Maybe the subject of this picture is a highly skilled, but former, cheerleading coach who lost his job because of the newest advancement in robotic cheerleaders.  We may never know.  What we DO know however, is this man -amidst all of the turmoil in his life - is still smiling.  That’s the moving element of this art.  We all must be inspired to grin and bear it.  It’s that simple.   Thanks are in order to the artist.

Final Score:  A   

May our tomorrows always be as bright.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Three Amigos wins it.  Alone, it captures bliss in the middle of depraved human condition.

This year’s group did a much better job than the previous group.  We’ve all seen skills, emotions, and bold declarations among this group.  Applause is in order.

Allow me to close 2008’s contest with a quote by the world renowned graffiti artist known simply as ‘Banksy’:

“The holy grail is to spend less time making the picture than it takes for people to look at it.”

Amen brother.

see here

For those of you who are interested:

There's the current price for the $612 tickets that we bought earlier this month.

Thanks for the early committment from everyone!    

Secret to success:

1. Force yourself to do things you do not want to do.

2. Do those things well.

10 ways to fix America, (in my opinion):

1.  Abolish two-party system.  Legislation either passes with 51% or gets overturned with 51%.  No limits on how often a law can be raised or repealed, as long as 51% of the popular vote demands it.

2.  Flat tax.  No more state, property, millage, vehicle, federal, sales, death, marriage, estate, capital gains, social security, etc... One tax.  One check to write each year based on income, location, and number of dependents.  Corporations and business are treated the same as people.

3.  Automatic tariff of 30% on imports of any country with proven track record of price-dumping, harming the environment, or with human rights violations.  Tariff lasts duration of 10 years.   In order to be our trade partner, you must adhere to the US codes establishing health, safety, and environmental regulations for occupations.

4.  Term limits of 5 years, regardless of office, rank, file, or branch.  Two term maximum.  No exceptions.

5.  Mandatory military service for all graduates for 3 years after high-school.  Those unable to meet requirements would be required to serve similar term in a civil service capacity.  Concurrent service time with college is fine for those choosing to go to college.  Enact Law rendering you unable to be employed above minimum wage without service time. 

6.  Quadruple the national oil reserves.  Decentralize those reserves to operate on a State level, with capacities proportionate to state demand.

7.  If you are on social services, then you work for the government on an appropriate level for the duration of time which you require the service. 

8.  Tort reform.

9. Re-enact Sherman Anti-Trust Laws.

10.  Honor the Monroe Doctrine.  What is theirs, is theirs.  Stay out of our business, or get wiped off the planet.

It's just that simple!  (maybe)

So.  Anybody that knows me understands completely that I am a healthy part uncoordinated.

For whatever reason, the Lord knit me together as someone that finesse, balance, and fluid movement are all fleeting attributes.  Sure, I wish I could dance, I wish that I was as sleek as a jungle cat, I wish that was on the razor edge of reflexiveness.  You know, snatching flies out of the air with chopsticks.  Or like a Ninja, silently and stealthily sneaking up on somebody and committing some kind of heinous kickpunch to their face.  Heck, I’d be impressed even to run like a normal person, instead of my step-flop, step-flop gait that I’ve somehow developed.

But God has intended me to be some kind of human comic relief.  Which, in it’s own way, is rewarding.

I can liven up somebody’s bad morning by simply walking past them- you know in the same way that a waiter carries the tray full of loaded up plates at a restaurant.  You are just waiting – hoping! – that somehow that guy wipes out and all the spaghetti comes crashing to the floor.  Or the thrill you get when JENGA starts rocking.  I evoke similar feelings.  You are just waiting for the inevitable misstep or stumble that causes that guy with the red hair to kiss the pavement.  It rarely happens, mind you, but that’s just how I look.  All the time.

This uncoordination doesn’t just extend to movement, either.  Somehow I’ve developed this strange ability to make people laugh by ordering food, too.  It must be the way that I say things through my uncoordinated mouth.  I really can’t explain it, but if in the course of me talking to an order taker at a restaurant if all the people around me start laughing, I just kind of roll with it.  Consider this a big source of entertainment for Aleasha.

I discuss all of this with you to provide context for something that happened to me last night. 

You’ll know that it is icy outside right now.  Aleasha and I got home late, so it is dark outside.  I pull the car into our garage and Aleasha goes into the house.  I proceed to march out to the mailbox to pick up the daily dose of junkmail.

Well, being that it is slippery, I am carefully walking on my driveway out the street when all of a sudden

*BLAM*

I see sparkly stars and it looks like a bolt of atomic lightning went off in my brain!  Oh man, my eyes are spinning and I can’t move my backside.  I am lying on my back, on the ice, in the driveway.  I just laid there for a minute, partly because it hurt but more partly because I couldn’t!  So, in the course of catastrophe my mind starts thinking at a fast rate.  I’m not sure I remember everything I was thinking, but here’s everything I can remember, chronologically:

Keep in mind that in real time, this monologue only took about 10 seconds.  It just seemed so much longer.

1. oh man that hurts
2. what the crap happened?
3. ice
4. oh, so I must have slipped
5. just like old people!  I’m not old yet!  What the crap!
6. –anger-
7. dang my head hurts
8. where’s my hand?
9. there it is!
10. touch the back of my head… no blood.
11. I wonder if my brain is swelling?
12. –image of my giant blood swollen head, CAT scan of swollen brain –
13. oh man, I bet my brain is going to screwed
14. This must be how it feels to have Roy Williams hit you.
15. Man, I love Roy Williams!
16. Chris Simms is such a chump.  That faggot.  Roy destroyed his entire career.
17. RRRRROOOOOOOOYYYYYY!
18. -happy feeling-
19. I’m glad it is dark out.  I wonder if my neighbors saw this. 
20. If they did, they would help me, right?  I’d help them!
21. Maybe I just have lousy neighbors.
22. –image of my neighbor peeking through his blinds, laughing at me and pointing while eating popcorn.- (I honestly don’t know where this came from…)
23. Maybe I shouldn’t have mooned him that time in my swimming pool.  That ruined it, right there.
24. –image of my neighbor spying on me in the pool, and me dropping my trunks and giving him an eyeful-
25. sigh
26. Oh, of course he’d help me.  He just never looks out his window.  Stop being ridiculous.
27. I am really glad no one saw this.  Especially Aleasha.  She’d be freaking out.
28. –painful laugh-
29. Okay time to stand up.
30. Man, my butt is out of joint or something.  I can’t move my legs!
31. I need to roll over.  Where’s my glasses?
32. Where’s my cell phone (it was in my hand)
33. I squint my eyes, see cell phone about 10’ in front of me.  *what the crap!  did I throw it over there?!*
34. I struggle to stand up.  Finally get to crouch on one knee.
35. Dang, what a moron I am.  My brain is swelling, my butt is on fire, and I can’t even stand upright.
36. oh boy.  Back on my feet.  Time to start walking.
37. There’s my glasses!  Now.  Time to get the mail!

You see, it wasn’t a good experience to fall on the ice.  But thankfully because of my predisposed nature to being uncoordinated, I think I handled it fairly well.  I returned inside, did a quick medical evaluation of my head injury, and determined after a half-hour or so that I was going to be just fine.  My neck is a little sore, I’m wearing a nasty lump on my dome, and my butt feels like an old dog with hip arthritis, but I am grateful that it wasn’t much worse.  Thank you Lord, for giving me a thick skull! 

In fact, I'm not sure that you'd notice anything out of the ordinary if you saw me walking past you.  Other than the fact that it looks like I'm getting ready to totally bust my butt or trip for no reason at all!  

So.  Breathe deep.  It's life, as normal.  Be thankful for the small things.

(Oh by the way.  Nothing but junkmail in the mailbox.  reeeeeal nice.)